POOR PERFORMANCE BY OBAMA PROMPTS
CAMPAIGN TO SEEK DEBATING COACH

Dick Drippun
Associated Press

September 29, 2008, Washington, D.C. -- A disappointing performance by Senator Barack Hussein Obama in this past Friday's debate with Senator John McCain has prompted campaign officials to initiate a frantic search for a professional debating consultant.

A source within the campaign, that asked to remain anonymous and who would only describe himself as mentor and spiritual advisor to the candidate, admitted that campaign officials generally assessed Obama's performance as somewhere between mediocore and dismally pathetic. The source, for no apparent reason, added, "God Damn America!"

Though reports are unconfirmed, substantial evidence indicates that the Obama campaign's search for a debating consultant is focusing heavily on the internet's Argue With Everyone (AWE) message board, with one of the political discussion forum's members being considered in particular.

According to sources close to Senator Obama, the AWE member rumored to be under consideration goes by the screen name areyoushittin'me? When reached for comment, areyoushittin'me?, also known to AWE members as Full-a-Shit, Fountain of Shit, Ijustshitinmypants, AYSM and Dickhead, concurred that he would of course be the logical choice. "Since posting my first message on the AWE boards I have never suffered a debating defeat. As of 10 minutes ago my record stood at 1,567 debating victories with no defeats. And anyone who says they have bested me in debate is a liar. No wait a second, make that 1,568 debating victories...no wait, make that 1,569."

Elaborating further on the obvious brilliance behind his impending selection as personal debating consultant for Senator Obama, areyoushittin'me? emphasized his mid three-digit IQ. It is worth noting, however, that while other AWE members confirm that Full-a-Shit has indeed previously cited his triple-digit IQ score, there seems to be significant disagreement as to placement of the decimal point.

"I hate to sound like some arrogant, pompous, know-it-all jerk, but there's no question that I could be of invaluable help in honing the Senator's debating skills," explains areyoushittin'me? "The biggest question is why they waited so long to avail themselves to my incredible intellect? By the way, did I mention my IQ is in the mid triple digits?"

In discussing his personal debating style, areyoushittin'me? notes how important it is to stake out the high ground early, even if means crawling into the gutter. In AYSM's case this entails constantly stressing that he is an 'independent thinker' who is above political partisanship. "Of course anyone who's spent five minutes reading my posts knows this a total load of crap," says areyoushittin'me? "Knowledge and the truth is okay, unless it gets in the way of whatever it is the most whacked out liberals are selling that day. In reality, my political thinking is a little to the left of Karl Marx. And if it were up to me, third grade school kids would be reading Connect the Needle Marks on Mommy's Arm, See Jane Get an Abortion, and It's Fun to Fudgepack.

In analyzing Obama's performance Friday evening, areyoushittin'me? noted that, even after scoring a debating point, not once did the Senator dance around the podium pointing his finger at McCain while screaming 'Gotcha! Gotcha!' "That's something I make a point of doing regardless of whether anyone on the AWE thread concurrs that I did in fact make a salient point. Really, you should see me in action. It's quite a sight to see me skip around the computer in my jockey shorts clicking my fingers over my head while singing Kumbaya until Mom comes down the basement stairs and hollers, "Knock it off, asshole!"

Elaborating further, he stresses that in order to fully inflate your ego, it's also important to go to other threads and announce your victories. "Okay, maybe it looks like a small-minded, petty thing to do. But for people like myself making the most of these little triumphs is probably all that keeps us from sticking our head in an oven and turning on the gas."

According to AYSM, another thing Obama neglected to do was to counter McCain efforts to show him up as an inexperienced near-do-well who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. "It happens to me a lot, but I've found there are several ways to handle that situation. The easiest way to deal with it is to simply discount their argument, and unleash a string of personal insults. In order to do that, however, you have to be real good with the clever one liners. As I've told everyone at AWE, clever one liners is one of my specialties. I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with my mid three-digit IQ.

"Another critical debating skill is obfuscation," says areyoushittin'me?, who added, "Make sure you spell that right." According to ijustshitinmypants, obfuscation covers a host of skills, such as throwing up what he calls "a shitload of meaningless minutia." Other tactics include changing the subject; IMing and emailing ass-kissing friends to come and join you on the thread for the purpose of hurling cheap shots at your opponent; "...and discounting any and all source material that might make you look like a total jackass." Some other favored tactics employed by the Fountain of Shit include making up rules of debating etiquette that no one at AWE has ever heard of; and supporting arguments with generalizations that he says, "...you can pull directly out of your ass." Of course, a lot of people view the use of these kinds of tactics as being intellectually dishonest. To them the Fountain of Shit says simply: "Yeah, but they're all liars."

And on the subject of calling people liars, areyoushittin'me? cites that as the ultimate way to handle getting backed into a corner knee deep in your own bullshit. "Calling people liars is just one more thing that makes me really special," says AWE's Masturdebator for 2008. "In fact," he adds, "I'm so special that Mom and my therapist say it's probably safer if I just stay down here in the basement, and limit my communication with the outside world to the anonymity of the internet." In concluding the interview, areyoushittin'me? declared that if there's anyone at AWE who claims he has yet to call them a liar, "...then he or she is probably a lying sack of shit."

Whether or not areyoushittin'me? will be able to reverse Obama's stagnant poll numbers remains to be seen. One thing, however, is certain: Any absence this pompous gasbag may have from the AWE political message boards will be a welcome break the other members.

Wow.

This level of obsession, though creative, is stalker behavior.

You may need counseling.

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The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handy

I don't know if this particular post would classify as "stalking" (maybe some of his posts do, don't know because I only really read a few people's posts to be honest), but you are right, it was creative.

Stalker, huh. And I thought I was a troll.

Guess you don't get it Crow. Maybe you oughta pull your head outa that blowhard's ass. It's what I do for kicks...and also for a living. And right now I just happen to be slow. Not good news for asswipe.

the guy spent way too much time writing it...

Really?

That's interesting. You mean you write articles?

If so, what kind?

I mean that would put it in a different light. If you had spent most of your time as a side project creating fake articles over one person that would seem odd to me but if you write articles all the time then Ya I could totally see that...

Is that true what you are implying?

__________________
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handy

Probably. But his time is his I suppose.

It's been in the context of Commish chasing him around on every thread & constantly creating threads about him that I find a bit stalker like or at least obsessed.

I guess we all have our hobbies but to spend it on just one poster seems a bit lopsided in ones interest to me.

What's wrong with golf?

__________________
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handy

I don't get it. This past debate was to be the most difficult for Obama, and all in all, he faired well.

Is he not up in the polls as a result?

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk For my sis.....

You are so cute.

Re read it...then get back to me you goof ball.

__________________
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handy