James Fuqua's Law Jokes
Famous Quotes and Sayings About Lawyers
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Attributed
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I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.
-- John Adams, in the play "1776"
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Lawyers are just like physicians: what one says, the other contradicts.
-- Sholom Aleichem
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LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
-- The Cynic's Dictionary;
http://www.amz.com/cynic; published by William Morrow, © Rick Bayan.
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There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's why there are lawyers.
-- Melvin Belli
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Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written 'The Ten Commandments'.
-- Harry Bender
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"Lawyers Are": The only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.
-- Jeremy Bentham
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But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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"Lawyers Are": One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
-- Ambrose Bierce
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"Lawyers Are": A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.
-- Henry Brougham
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In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
--Lenny Bruce
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"Lawyers Are": One who defends you at the risk of your pocketbook, reputation and life.
-- Eugene E. Brussell
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He saw a lawyer killing a viper on a dunghill hard by his own stable; And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind of Cain and his brother Abel.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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"Lawyers Are": A chimney-sweeper who has no objection to dirty work, because it is his trade.
"Lawyers Are": The only civil delinquents whose judges must of necessity be chosen from (amongst) themselves.
-- Charles Caleb Colton
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All in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges. *
--Peter Cook
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"Lawyers Are": By law's dark by-ways he has stored his mind with wicked knowledge on how to cheat mankind.
-- George Crabbe
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The Denver Post may have been on to more than it realized when it reported, "... the former Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so successful in serving the poor."
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A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:
"Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
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Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad," answered Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
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Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
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"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer."
-- Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
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A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Benjamin Franklin.
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There's no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
"Lawyers Are": Those who lie, conceal and distort everything and slander everybody.
-- Jean Giraudoux
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